Recipe for Christmas

On this day, which is today, which is also Christmas day, presents which for weeks have been sneakily shaken can finally be opened. Their joyous contents are revealed and the wrapping paper is strewn about. Did you get everything you wished for? Did you get to the bottom of the pile of Christmas cheer without having to remember that it’s the thought that counts when opening a soft parcel containing a 12-pack of tube socks? Did you get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVD box set you waited in line to tell Santa about?

When all the presents are opened; when all the turkeys are carved; when all the carols are sung; when all the eggs are nogged; when all the ale’s are wassed; when all the Rankin’s are Bassed; when the light above the ol’ stage door turns off and the little dude playing baby Jesus goes out to have a smoke, it’s time to mop up the blood and entrails and sit back in the La-Z-Boy for a night with Joikah, the ‘Bots, and some experiments featuring that jolly old elf, Santa.

If you want to do it up chronologically, discover why Dropo is the laziest man on Mars and start off with the old classic, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. It’s a Joel episode from season 3 of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Then, jump on over to season 5 for a Mexi-horror staring the devil, called, simply, Santa Claus. It’s a Mike episode that will leave you lusting for keytar music and, if that’s alright, all-inclusive music for holidays of all faiths.

It’s time now to take a break. Get some left-overs. A little Swiss Miss? Oh, that’s fine.

Well dopple my Fingal, the third episode to mingle with Kris Kringle comes straight from season 11. Newest captive human host, Jonah learns that even Saint Nick has a mortgage. Santa gets a job (and warms our hearts) in a movie they called The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t.

That makes three episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 that feature family-friendly experiments where Santa Claus overcomes adversity to make sure that kids all over the world get presents– even if they’re on Mars. Adversity is one thing, but… hey, are the kids asleep? Good. Now that it’s after-hours, it’s time to pop in something from the other side of the tracks– it’s time for Christmas-themed slasher films. It’s time for fan-made MST3K.

If nobody is looking, open the secure vault to your extra-special, secret collection of MST3K fanvids that you dare not speak of except in hushed whispers. There’s a bare bulb swinging above the stairs. Pull the rusty chain to turn it on. What’s that creaking? Is it me bones? Golly, it’s damp in here. Oh, there it is. The first of several fan-made, Christmas-themed, Mystery Science Theater 3000 inspired videos. This one is from B-Movie Central 5000. Learn why garbage day is such a perilous time when Professor Snyder forces Jason Soto to watch Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part II. Haven’t seen Part I? Don’t worry, there’s a recap.

You don’t have all night, and you’re in the mood for blood, so you brush past riffing of clean fare the likes of The Year Without A Santa Claus, Annabelle’s Wish, and Yogi’s First Christmas. Ah, here we are: Bromance on Film. Philip and Taylor find out what happens when Santa tries to clean up the filthy streets of London in Don’t Open Till Christmas. Gene Simmons is in it, too. Wait, that’s Alan Lake. Anyhoo, it’s getting late. There’s time left for only one more MST3K fanvid. It’s another one from Bromance on Film. Released just yesterday, on Christmas eve. Taylor and Philip go to the movies (on purpose) to watch a cautionary tale for finishing school girls about why it’s a good idea to go home for Christmas vacation called To All A Good Night.

It’s time to make your way out of the vault. Make sure nobody is looking. Wait! Okay, the coast is clear. Pull the rusty chain, lock the vault door, brush your teeth, put in your retainer, and go to bed. Three Christmas movies for the whole family, riffed with care by professionals. Three Christmas-themed slasher-flicks with nudity, sacrilege, and bloody knives, riffed with care by regular people, with regular jobs, who loved Mystery Science Theater 3000 so much they committed flattery in its ultimate form. You’ve had a full day.

Patrick Swayze would be proud.


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